This blog post has been on my heart tonight. It is really personal but I thought I would share my story anyways. I touched on this story a bit with Sarah from Real Life Blog last Thursday on our trip to Raleigh, NC. Here goes!
Tonight when I was putting the girls to bed.. I heard M talking real softly. As I was kissing L good night, I leaned over to M and said: “Who are you talking to?”
M said: “I am talking to God, mommy”
That immediately warmed my heart and just out of blue she said: “Mommy, when I get home from school tomorrow night.. I want us to read my bible together.” This speaks so much volume to me, you just don’t know.
You see…I was always brought up in a Christian home and we were always in church. I got married to my highschool sweetheart right out of highschool. The relationship did not work as we were so young that we didn’t make it work unfortunately. I got out of that relationship and started seeing the man that is now my hubby today! Just a couple months into that relationship, I found out I was pregnant.
This was not good :(. I cried so much. On one spectrum, I was so thrilled to finally be a mom, but on the other spectrum I was scared to death. My whole family is real religious and loves our almighty God. I have several preachers in my family. So as you can see, being pregnant out of wedlock was not good. I remember calling my mom and telling her first. Her own first words to me were “I am really disappointed in you.” “We never dreamed of our daughter doing this.”
I was the child that never partied, never got drunk, never smoked, always made straight A’s, worked two jobs in highschool to help my family make ends meet. So my pregnancy was just wrong. Everyone around me was judging me so bad and looking down on me. The one person that I thought would really judge me was my BF from highschool Holly. But… I was totally wrong. She did not judge me at all. She was there to comfort me through so many tears and helped me get through those first couple of months. No one knew, but as I would cry so hard everyday… the thought that ran through my head was I should just kill myself. That way I wouldn’t disappoint anyone anymore.
As time moved on, my family accepted what happened and started treating me with respect again. BUT… I was still facing God. I served him so wrong. I was scared to even step foot in church… afraid of what would happen. Life went on and I had my wonderful, super fab, M. She was beautiful and I could never imagine life without her. As we were going on with life… I was still so scared to go face God. Then unexpectantly, I got pregnant again with L. Here we go round 2. Pregnant again out of wedlock. I waited till I was 5 months to even tell my extended family and 12 weeks to tell my mom and dad this time. I had lost lots of weight so it was easy to hide. Then we had our wonderful, super fab, L. Life was so grand. It was soon to be hubby, myself, and my girls. Life was complete. Or was it? We still needed God in our lives. I was so scared though since hubbs and I were not married that God would not accept us.
Hubby and I did eventually get married. I was just so scared to get married incase of having another failed marriage, but we both took the leap and did it :). Yay.. finally! We have now been married almost 2 years and brought God back into our family…. its just wonderful. Those deep wounds have been healed and I am not scared of facing God anymore!
So with M saying what she did tonight, just spoke so much to me. I am raising her right in the eyes of the Lord. He is shining bright in our lives now. Everything is going to be A-OK! We have found a great church family where we can be involved and be accepted for who we are. The girls can be involved with children’s activities and I am excited to go to my first Womens Ministry group this Wednesday. I just feel so at peace now with all that has went on the last 7 years. God is helping me heal those wounds.
This morning in Church a song was being sang by a wonderful lady and there was so much spirit with people praising the Lord, crying happy tears because they were moved so much. Both hubby and I looked at each other and were crying. Neither one of us were ashamed as we are born again Christians and we are where we are suppose to be. We all feel whole again. We are now complete as a family!
As we were walking in from Church this afternoon… hubby said: “Jen, we need to find a nice home wall accent that says This House Serves The Lord!” I said AMEN to that!
I know my past is not perfect (I am sure people will still look down on me) but I am thankful that I can repent my sins and be forgiven. I can start walking on the right path now and it just thrills me so much that my girls want to follow that path with us.
This post really means a lot to me and thank you so much for letting me share it!
Great post Jen! Trust me if anyone knows how you feel it’s me, I have walked in those shoes!
(((HUGS)))
Oh, hun, can I ever relate. I was the straight A, honors class student too. Then I got pregnant at 15. You want to talk about people looking down their nose at you?! They still do to this day, 16 years later!
Then I got pregnant with Aiden, out of wedlock. Again with the people looking down. Aiden’s daddy and I got married when Aiden was seven months old.
When I got pregnant with Savannah, it was a TOTALLY different experience. People were HAPPY and EXCITED for me. It threw me for a loop, after spending my previous pregnancies in shame. But you know what? It was THEIR problem, not mine. All our babies are worth celebrating, no matter how they get here! I’m not trying to pimp my blog on yours, but I wrote about this before and thought you may get something out of it:
http://www.lattesandlife.com/2009/02/in-or-out-of-wedlock-baby-is-baby.html
Oh, Jen, what a great testimony! M sees how much you love God, and I’m so glad he is speaking to her heart! The greatest thing is that God loved you just as much when you were pregnant out of wedlock as he does now. Of course, he wants to lead into a life of righteousness, but His love will never change!
I am so honored that you are my friend!
God is a very forgiving God. Jesus was all about grace and love. There isn’t anything that we do that can’t be forgiven. Nothing! Even though we humans hold grudges, sometimes for a lifetime, God never does. I’ll never teach my kids to fear God. I think religion all too often does that. I want to teach my kids to love God, respect God, serve God, and be a shining example of His love and grace. More Christians need to be that for each other and the unsaved.
Nell
Very touching testimonial. God can heal any wounds! God comforts people in the most amazing ways.
What a beautiful post, Jen – I’m so glad that you shared it! I was reading this and thinking, hey I remember when she got married – I can’t believe I’ve known you that long now through our blogs! I’m so glad that you’ve found a wonderful church where you can worship together as a family with your hubby and those wonderful girls of yours. 🙂
You are so sweet and special. Thanks for sharing this story. No wonderful you are so awesome! Even though I didn’t know, I love you just the same either way. What a beautiful lifesong!
We all make mistakes, but God is so good. I imagine those were very trying years, but I am also so excited to hear about all your lifestyle changes and how happy you are now!
JENNIFER…I just now read this! I can’t believe you were afraid of how I would react. I’m nobody’s judge. Lord knows I’ve messed up more than once. But that is what is GREAT about HIM…HE loves us even though we fail…No child is ever a mistake, NO MATTER WHAT!!! LOVE YA!!!
Oh GIRL!!! {{{HUGS}}}
Why is it that some “sins” are so much more scandalous and so harshly judged within the church!?! Good grief, ALL of us probably committed at least ten sins on our WAY to church Sunday morning! (Well – I committed more cause I slept in and missed church! LOL)
We are all so broken and imperfect. I sin so constantly. My only hope is grace! So WHY would I not give that grace back to someone else???
Honestly, I want to SCREAM (and I suppose I am sinning by judging them! LOL) those who heap shame on unwed mothers. GOOD GRIEF!!!! They are honoring and saving their child’s life by carrying them despite the countless hurdles they will face. Sure they made a mistake – an easy mistake that MANY MANY MANY people make – and they deserve to be forgiven just like the rest of us.
Instead of passing out Scarlet Letters, Christians should be embracing and helping unwed mothers. Grace is for everyone!!! (So yes – I need to keep remember to give grace to those who are handing out the Scarlet Letters. LOL)
BTW – I am a Christian – I am not meaning to say that all Christians judge unfairly. Not at all!!! I just wanted to speak for those of us who weren’t judging you! 🙂
What a beautiful post!
Beautiful post Jen. Thank you for sharing. My sister has walked in your shoes and although she has gone back to God, and even her husband has joined the Church, she still carries a lot of guilt and unresolved issues within herself. She believes she didn’t know she was even pregnant, but I’ve had conversations with her and I sense that she just didn’t want to accept that she was pregnant. She still has alot of work to do to come to terms with that within herself, but I believe she’s on the right path. How does that saying go “Give In, Let Go, and Let God”?
So no one abandoned you why abandon your brother.
Its something each of wants to know.. Great post, i loved going through it…Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story and I’m happy that you’re family is complete in Jesus. I also got pregnant before marriage and come from a conservative Christian family. It took my mom 2 years of asking me every Sunday “if i’m happy” after church for her to accept my hubby and our situation. And yes hearing our children reaffirm our family’s faith in God is one of life’s most precious moments.
I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of what you have done. We all have to go through difficult times and most important is to learn from mistakes. I’m glad you have made the right decision in your life. Cheers.
the problem was with religion…not you, or anything you did or God. religion makes people think they are wrong and horrible for being normal and human. I am so sorry that you had to spend years feeling guilty and that you needed to be healed. something as natural and wonderful as creating a new life (whether within marraige or not) and bringing your daughter into the world need not be overshadowed with shame. Shame on your parents and Church for teaching you that.