A sadness has come over me in the past week and I just cannot shake it for some reason. My heart is heavy, it feels as if someone keeps tugging at my heart, I want to cry at the drop of a hat and just have this uneasy feeling all over. I long for that third baby that I have always wanted but up until recently, I could shake the feeling. Now the feeling just stays with me wherever I go.
Last night, I laid in bed with my girls and watched them sleeping so peacefully. Where did the time go? I was just rocking them to sleep and holding them for hours on in. Now the girls have become so independent and are able to make a lot of their own decisions. The tears are hitting the keyboard as I am typing this… Why am I so sad they are growing up? I want to still cradle them or wear them in a sling. I want them close to my heart. I know they will always be close to me but I cannot help to think when I look at them, there is a missing sibling there?
I always ask the girls if they want a baby brother or sister and they joke around. One wants a baby brother and one wants a baby sister but my husband wants neither. We made the rash decision when L was about to be born, that he would get the big V. My emotions were all over the place and exactly one week before L was born, he had the V. I have regretted that decision ever since, but since he is older, I respected the decision and was happy God gave me two precious girls. I thank God each night for blessing me to be their mom. Yet, I still yearn for that third child. I want to break from this feeling. How will I ever get over feeling like this and know my family is complete?
I secretly wish in my heart that the Lord would bless us with a child anyways or maybe even through adoption. I’m not sure how to heal my heart at this point, but I do know one thing, I will continue to hold my girls close to my heart always. They breathe such a fresh air in my life each and everyday. I hope overtime with prayers, God will guide me and direct on what he feels best for our family.
This is precious! You know I totally get this! Hugs to you – well written.
I know you do sweet friend 🙂
Said a prayer for you and sending hugs. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Hope you are feeling better about all of this real soon.
Thank you so much Charline!
Jen, I met you about two years ago in Raleigh at the meeting in downtown Cary and then met you again at the Disney on Ice event in Charlotte. I liked you right away (how could I not?!), you are so warm and caring. Now, I find out we have another thing in common…I had a tubal right after my second daughter was born and have regretted it ever since. Sometimes, I cry over my choice, it was a rash decision, but I try to remember how wonderful my two girls are and just be happy with my life as is… But, I totally understand exactly where you are coming from, 100%. I’m here for you – and will keep you in my prayers! Hugs, Heather
Hi Jen,
I just came across this post and it was so touching to read. You might never read this as this post was back in 2011 but I felt compelled to write any way. I remember those feelings of not thinking your family is complete. Husbands unfortunately do not understand how we as women feel. Only another woman can truly understand the longing for another child. My heart broke for you, your words were so heart felt. I too loved being pregnant even with all the complications I went through, the three months being sick and hospital stays but all worth it to feel those little kicks inside. Just to hold our babies close as you said is a feeling we wish as mothers to be able to bottle up and save for a life time. There are times I wish I could shrink my kids back into babies just to be able to hold them like that once again. You have beautiful children, you are a wonderful mother and you have a loving spirit. I wish I were able to take your ache away.
Goodness, Jennifer! I don’t know how this post ended up in my feed reader today, since it’s old, but it certainly made me cry a little. If you feel like holding a wee one, you’ll always be welcome to come squeeze any little ones I happen to have crawling around. 😉 Seriously, though, you’re the sweetest mama to the two girls that you have, and I know you’ve got a big, big heart, and so does your hubby. Have you ever considered fostering or adoption or having a reversal? I know fostering is hard, and adoption is super-expensive, and reversals don’t always work, but those are options you might explore. If, on the other hand, those things won’t work for you, I believe that God knows exactly what He’s doing anyway, don’t you? Even when we have regrets, He will use our lives to HIS glory! “God draws straight with crooked lines.”
Love you, lady.